Posted on | July 31, 2013 | No Comments
… and starting to make changes…
Because it is time. It’s that simple…
I’ve arrived at a point in my life where I feel… complete, from one point of view, and totally without a purpose, from another perspective. And it’s all going on a roller-coaster that I can’t stop and it’s starting to get a little annoying.
Loosing control or, better, letting go is a thing that is necessary. What is not that ok is the fact of being forced into that when you are not ready. And, for me, it was an unpleasant feeling. In the mean time, I’ve discovered that, no matter how unpleasing, it was totally necessary. Why? To fill the last blank spots, to complete my journey and to walk on a new path. Because, like I said, I’ve reached the end of the road.
So soon? Why not?
The truth is that I feel like I’m done… I’ve done pretty much all I wanted to do in my life in order to make others happy, especially those around me, then try to prove myself that I can do all that I put my mind to and… I’ve done it. I look around and there is nothing much left for me here, around or in this life. Only to try stuff that is considered either illegal or immoral…
The bigger part of the decision is the part with the feelings and care… I am almost done with that too. As days pass by I feel the positive, the “good” feelings moving further and further and an intense hate and disgust accumulating more and more and building up to a rage that will explode soon, hopefully before my head or my heart explode because of the raised tension. One of the reasons for this rage can be found in my article about the psychopath… The other reasons are the sum of all that I tried to do and failed, of all that was asked of me to do and I did and then the repercussions hit me hard, hit me in my very core and the one I tried to become started to die.
I am turning myself into an older version of me where I just don’t care anymore. What was done and felt is still somewhere in my heart but, somehow, it is in the past. I look around sometimes and I am and feel alone, as I should be. As anyone should be… Because the moment you start helping, the moment you start to care, you get hurt. Big time! And I decided that the price is totally not worth it. So… the care part and the positive feelings part of my life is closed for business. From now on… hate and revenge is what I’ll put out.
Because it’s easier. Because only by doing that maybe you’ll force people’s decisions to start thinking, start taking their lives into their own hands and not screw you over and over again while you care and try to help them. It’s just not worth the waste of time.
What is still in my heart, what I still feel pumping the so-called life in my is still there and is going to be there forever. But there is just no more room. You didn’t get there in time, you will never get there from now on.
I just can’t suffer anymore. I am at peace knowing what I’ve done and what I have to do, without feeling scared of what is to come. Why? Because when the fear of death disappears and you have NOTHING TO LOOSE, well… You get the control of your own life and start fighting the fate.
Don’t get me wrong… You need my help? I’ll help you… But I will not give a fuck of what you do once you’re out of my immediate attention. You wanted my help and you did as I advised and it worked? Good for you and good-bye! You did something else? Well, fuck you, as long as you paid to get my advice, what the hell do I care? Yeap, no more free services! I’ve learned my lesson and wasted a lot of time giving away free advice to people who didn’t care to use that advice when it was useful and waited until it was too late.
What am I trying to say, after all?
That I don’t care what happens next. I try to close the unfinished business and to accept the failures I’ve had so far, but from now on is all just a fucking ride and just for the fun of it!
Somewhere, in the back of my mind, the clock is starting to wind down… Maybe a new cycle is preparing… in this life or in the next. All I know is that I just don’t care… I’ve done what I had to do and there is nothing much left to do… I’ve enjoyed and experienced life from all its angles and more than others much older and I have to say that there is nothing left to keep me on my toes or much more interested… I take things as they come, I go with the flow and I look forward to tomorrow with absolutely no interest… it’s just another day in nowhere.